More Random Stuff

I’m feeling a lot of things. And when I feel all the feels, I write. So, here I am typing away trying to work out what’s in my head and heart. I’m just gonna bullet point it for a sec.

My dad died two months ago. I’m not okay with that. Like, at all.

Shortly after that, I was re-diagnosed with cancer and need aggressive chemo. Not okay with that.

My middle son just turned 18 and will be going off to college in six months. Nope. Not okay.

My oldest turned 20 years old today. My baby. My first born. And I look back to those days of him as a baby, and I literally cry. It’s all going by too fast.

My daughter is a glorious shining star in the midnight sky, but gets tossed aside by “friends” on a weekly basis, because try as they may to dim her shine, they can’t – and it eats at them.

And I’ve had it.

And…I’m tired. I’m actually sick of being tired. And treatment hasn’t even started yet.

I guess I go between being super sad, and super angry. Like within minutes. I wanna wake up with my kids little, my dad smiling and sitting at my kitchen table, and the word “cancer” never entering my home.

But that’s not realistic. So, I try my best to get through every day with a smile, with a positive mental attitude, and a prayer to Jesus for guidance, for peace, for understanding.

I worry, too. I worry about the upcoming treatment and how it’s going to impact my family. I’m the one who plans all the dinners, all the birthday parties, all the weekly groceries…I know what we need down to the last Q-tip. And yes of course, my husband will undoubtedly take care of anything I need him to. He’s an amazing father & husband. I’m not worried about that. I’m the mom. I’m the one the kids go to for anything and everything. Date night recaps, crushes and latest frenemy updates. College applications and after work chats. I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to be sitting on a couch when the kids come home. I don’t want to be in bed sleeping when they come home with a new story to tell.

And, if we’re being honest, I worry that the treatment won’t work. My last treatment was supposed to last for like, 2 years, and after only 6 months, here we are. And now we need to be “more aggressive” with it.

I’ve got another two years left on my lease at the boutique. I worry about that. What if? What if I can’t be in the store? What if I can’t do the online, the marketing, the invoicing, the ordering, the…everything…that it takes to run a small business. What if?

And I’m so very blessed with so many good friends, customers and of course family – all checking in and asking what they can do to help. I’m not good at accepting help. I’m not good at admitting I need it. I’ve always been so good at multi-tasking. I’ve always been good at juggling all the balls.

I’m also not one to be negative. It’s not who I am. I’m the cheerleader. I’m the inspirational quotes on a sticker. I’m the You Can Do It-girl. So, I’ll keep on keepin’ on. I’ll keep writing and getting the thoughts out. And you keep being you. Supportive. Loving. Gentle & Kind.

I’ll be okay. I just have to recognize that I don’t need to handle everything myself. I don’t need to hold it in, and pretend to be okay. Because what I’m feeling, you’re probably feeling or have felt at one point or another. We’re all human. We all have stuff.

So, here’s my stuff.