How Did We Get Here?

Day 3 of 365

My first child was born in February, 2004. My son. When I was pregnant, I kept a journal. I wrote everything from what I ate that day, to how much weight I’d gained, how many weeks along I was, etc. I wrote about his birth, the emergency C-section 3 weeks before his due date, and a scare like I’ve never experienced before. I remember going to my baby shower, 4 days after he was born – completely high on Percoset, while Daddy stayed home with our newborn son. And the first bath. The first word…

I remember taking him to pre-school, and holding his hand as we walked to the front steps of his new school. I remember reviewing the paperwork and seeing 2022, as his graduating class. I remember laughing a little, with my husband – it seemed so far away.

Yet here we are. It’s actually here. Right now. This year. And I don’t think I’m ready. At all. My son is a senior. He’s been in the Carpentry program at his high school, and just landed a co-op job that may end up becoming his job after graduation. He’s got his license, a girlfriend, all As…and an amazing future stretched out before him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly proud of him. I’m happy for him. But I’m not at all ready.

Ready for what you ask? I’m not ready for any of this. actually. I look at him, and see that beautiful baby boy who smiled when I walked into the room. The little boy who called me “boootiful mama” and held my hand while walking to the bus stop. I’m not ready to let that baby go. I’m not ready to see his life depart from mine. An apartment. A life outside of this house. A life outside of these walls.

And yet, I know it’s going to happen. And when it does, I’ll let him go. Because that’s what I have to do. I have to let him carve his own way in this world. I can’t shelter him. I can’t hold his hand and protect him from all that life will throw his way.

But I am extremely proud of him, and the man he’ becoming. He’s good. He’s thoughtful. He’s got a soft side that you might only see once in a while, and when he smiles…oh when he smiles…he can light up a room.

So I’ll try and savor every minute from now until June. I’ll try to take a mental picture and hold on to these days because I know they are so fleeting.

Here goes.

Wish me luck.

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